Poker Jokes
October 18, 2006  
2006 Randy Saylor  

What is the…difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

From the new hand nicknames department…AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.

What is the…difference between prayer in a church and at the poker table?
At the poker table, you really mean it.

Two rules for…success in poker:
1) Never tell everything you know.

From the poker dictionary: lottery (noun):
A tax on people who are bad at math.

Some nuns at…a small convent were left a modest estate. Each nun got $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. Right then, she saw a beggar across the street that looked down on his luck. She walked to the man, slipped him the $50, and said, “I’m Sister Ann. Godspeed, my good man.”

The next day, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Ann," he said. The nun at the door refused this, but offered to give a message. The man said, “Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second in the third race at Aqueduct.”

A blonde woman…was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

Don’t Ever…use a fake Jamaican accent at a Caribbean Stud Poker table.

How do you…get a sweet little 80-year old woman to yell (^#&^?
Get another sweet little 80-year old woman to yell “BINGO!”

How do you…get a professional poker player off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.

What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.

Tommy had a…serious gambling problem and was a terrible poker player too. Every time he came home from the casino, his wife asked how much he lost.

One night, he didn’t come home at all. Finally, he staggered in at 9 AM. His wife started in on him, but he cut her off. “I have to confess. I got drunk at the bar last night and went home with a beautiful cocktail waitress.”

“Don’t give me that bull,” she replied. “How much did you lose last night?”

Dear John, I’m sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

A man comes home…from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

What is the…difference between a professional poker player and God?
God doesn’t think He’s a professional poker player.

Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

The regular Friday night poker…game was still going strong after midnight. One of the players returned from the restroom, saying “Bill, I just saw your wife in the bedroom with Frank!”

“OK, that’s it, guys. This is definitely the last hand.”

Some cowboys were…playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

A doctor answers…his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”

The regular Friday night…poker game was going on when John lost $500 on a single hand, had a heart attack, and died. “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They drew cards, and Bill drew the low card. He knocked on John’s door and told his wife, “John lost $500 at poker tonight.”

She turns red and yells, “Tell that $#*^_^ to DROP DEAD!”

Bill walks away sheepishly and says, “I’ll tell him.”

A man hears a voice…that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again; saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.

Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.

At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.

The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt A A. “Go all in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is J T 9. “F*%$!” says the voice.

Top Five Reasons…you are delusional about poker:

1) You think you’re ready for the WSOP because you money in $5 SnGs all the time, dude!
2) You own a killer pair of sunglasses that would make Fossilman jealous.
3) You quote from Rounders whenever you can, especially if someone asks what your cards were. You always answer, “I’m sorry, John. I don’t remember.”
4) You own a minimum of twelve poker books. You’ve read at least two of them.
5) You wear your Party Poker hat and sunglasses to live $1/2 games.

I’ll end with…the funniest poker picture I’ve seen in my life:

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